Are you Pissing on my Porch?!?

Neighbors come and neighbors go. Rarely am I afforded the opportunity to interact with mine on anything but a passing level. Not that I'm antisocial (maybe a little, but that is beside the point), we just don't cross paths often. I say "hello" when we pass in the halls, but that's about it. I don't complain when your hard-of-hearing in-laws fall asleep to 'the game show network' at KISS concert like levels. I don't complain when your socially awkward pre-teen leaves her tricycle and boy band memorabilia in my yard. I don't complain when you practice bacci ball, or cricket at Oh-Dark-Thirty. I don't complain when your toddler teases my already brain dead cat through my kitchen window and drives him absolutely fucking bonkers. I don't complain when your recently-escaped-from-Bellevue son tries to chat me up about cigarettes, weather and American TV in his almost to stereotypical to be real Russian accent.

Nope. I don't complain. I'm a pretty decent neighbor. I let shit slide. I know my music and movies get loud, so it's give and take. I let you do your thing, you let me do mine, right?

Wrong.

Last night I'm sitting on my porch, enjoying a frosty Heineken and entertaining the one and only Super Sexy Sue.

We're chatting away, discussing an upcoming shoot and enjoying the evening. Suddenly a stream of fluid begins splashing onto my concrete porch (glamorous, I know). Sue shoots me the "WTF is that" look, so I hop up to investigate. I poke my head out and what do I see, my new neighbors taking a piss off the balcony, directly onto my porch. Here he is, junk in the breeze, liberating his bladder directly into my living space.

I shout "You've got to be fucking kidding me. Tell me you're not pissing on my fucking porch."

He responds "Oh shit! Sorry dude, I didn't know anyone was down there." He puts his dick away, and scampers back into the house like a roach from the light.

Where do I even begin with this? He didn't know anyone was there? Does that mean it's OK to piss on my property if I'm not around? Seriously, what the fuck are you thinking? Who told you that this behavior was ok?

Now I need to make a choice, I can chalk it up to stupidity, and hope that embarrassing him in front of his boys will make him think twice about doing it again, I can go up there and get into it with him, or I can call the office and let them know that a pack of jackals just took the second floor condo. At this point I think I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens over the weekend. I'm sure it will be interesting.

Does anyone out there on the intraweb have any suggestions? What would you do (don't say shoot the hostage, I already thought that one over)?

Tags:

• comedy
• neighbors
• washington
• dc
• pissing
• porch
• joke
• revenge
• humor