It's all fun and games until the door handles are missing

If I had a dime for every time I receive an asinine message on myspace,I'd be a damn millionaire and not so worried about my artistic career. So yes, I do receive a ton of junk through myspace, generally graphically describing how some pop-collar, Strokes singing, frat boy wants to get under my dress. Such messages aren't sexy, provocative or enlightening. I equate this to whistling at ladies while in the passenger seat of your cousin's El Camino painted with gold flake and Chinese dragons. I don't deny that I appreciate the attention, but I will never understand how the douche bags on myspace think comments such as "I wanna fuk you good gerl," will ever garner a response. Furthermore, I also don't understand why the men on myspace make lame attempts at being "the boy next door," feigning decency and sensitivity. I despise sensitivity nearly as much as I despise dishonesty.

The reason I'm ranting about this is because I've recently found myself the subject of a myspace stalker. There, I said it. After receiving the standard messages from some skinny, pansy-assed fellow we'll call "Zanzibar,"I found myself sighing in disbelief at the sheer stupidity of grown men. I didn't respond, I didn't pursue it, I didn't add him as a friend. A couple days pass and this desperate, probably virginal, douche sends me this:
(read like a pre-pubescent boy beating off to 70's Alice in wonderland porn)

"Hey what's up? I want to be to be totally honest with you because I respect you and don't want to waste your time or mine. I'm an intern in Crystal City VA (D.C. area) this summer (until mid Aug.) and am looking for a girl to be friends with and maybe get a few drinks with. Honestly I'm not looking for a one night stand but am looking for someone one be friends with and go from there. I am messageing you because I think you are hot and you seem pretty cool. Please IM me back at "Zanzibar" (names changed to protect the retarded) on AIM if you are interested in getting to know me. We can chat on AIM first and if you like me we can go from there. What do you think? "

What do I think?!? What do I think!?! I think you're a damn fool, Zanzibar. I didn't respond before, what makes you think that a false proffer of respect and friendship will make me want to "chat" with you? I don't know you and your approach is flacid, at best. You are an intern and you are older than me. Can you guess what I infer from that? An inability to succeed and a lack of drive. Aside from the fact that you can't spell and your message reeks of poor grammar, you may well be a megalomaniacal horny corpse collector with a van full of chains and surgical equipment. I don't wanna end my life in a trash bag on the side of Rte 50.

Let's be honest, I don't need to find friends or lovers on the internet; you've all seen my pictures.

By the way, If you like them, tell me so, I appreciate it. If you're attracted and you feel the need to tell me you want to bang me like a whore in Bangkok, then do so. At minimal, I can respect the frankness. However, don't feed me some ludicrous statement about your respect and the desire "to get to know me." The only thing you want to get to know is how many roofies it takes to get to the center of a Susie-pop.

So, the lesson, boys and girls, is that this is where fame gets you: neighbors pissing on your porch and your very own stalker. Golden Ticket Studios has finally hit the big time.